11 (Eleven) Helpful Hints on How to Keep Your House Clean When You Have Several Small Kids

Yes, Resurrection Sunday was a winner this year! Before the kids sang, I told them about my butterfly dream (See last week's post.) and gave them all butterfly pins to remind them of Jesus' transformation -- and eventually ours.

Disclaimer: This week's post is tongue-in-cheek. It is not the same as an article on housekeeping life hacks, but you might find something useful. As you read, remember: I love my kids!

When we became empty nesters finally, there were a few of our kids who wondered how we would ever be able to handle it. Seriously! They were afraid that without on-hand live-in servants, we wouldn’t be able to keep up with things, so what would become of us?

In a way, they had a point. We had to take over such jobs as cleaning the shower and feeding the dog. But we had previously shown that we were capable of keeping a house with up to seven kids in it, right? So what was there to fear?

Here are my helpful hints. I will put them in backwards order because it is cool to do that.

11. The Cover-Up Method. This is not to be confused with Modesty in Swimming Attire. It’s actually criminal, but taking a cue from the Clintons and the Bidens, you can use it if you are careful not to get caught.

• Put something on top, such as a large pan lid. Here I have demonstrated dirty dishes covered by my electric roaster lid. Trust me, nobody will ever see all the stuff under it.

Before cover-up

After cover-up

• You can literally sweep dirt under the rug, but after a while, the sheer lumpiness of the dirt could attract attention.

10. The Narrative Method. This is also known as the Mainstream Media approach. If you just say something is so, often enough, it becomes the truth.

• This is where your house identifies as “clean.” It will hurt your house’s feelings to call it otherwise. Remember that the Scriptures teach that you must not call unclean that which the Lord has cleansed—or something like that.

9.  White Privilege. Are you white, or mostly white? Or do you at least look white or think white? Well, it’s all good then—you can own slaves! You can get a lot more work done if you own a few, and they’ll sing you some songs. Actually some kids do believe they were stolen from their real parents at birth and turned into domestic slaves. Take advantage of it. Here’s a song they can sing, or parts of it. You might recognize it as “Old Man River.” Regarding the parts about picking cotton, you can apply that to doing laundry.

Here we all work 'long the Mississippi

Here we all work while the white folk play

Pullin' them boats from the dawn till sunset

Gettin' no rest till the judgment day

You and me, we sweat and strain

Bodies all achin' and wracked with pain

Tote that barge and lift that bale

Ya get a little drunk and ya lands in ja-ail

8. Rewards. It is good to offer carrots to draw the child’s thinking into the proper frame of mind. If it doesn’t work, try violence, or at least “carrying a big stick.”

• Chore charts with star stickers. When completed, the child should get something you were wanting them to have anyway. Try not to use Oreo cookies. That will contribute toward obesity, and then they’ll get too lazy to clean the house.

• Allowance payable on Friday if all cleanup chores have been cheerfully completed on time for the week. It’s like taking home a paycheck.

7. Competition. This works for highly competitive children.

• Compare and contrast your child’s room with those of their siblings, using white gloves to discover all the dirt. Give them a sense that they can never get it right. Make sure they’re in tears after every one of your tirades so that they will beg for the privilege of helping you clean the house. Mercifully, let them. (I know, this sounds like gaslighting, but it’s helpful.)

6. Make It a Game, Mary Poppins. Then every task you undertake becomes a piece of cake.

• When children fold laundry, one can do the folding and the other one can do the entertaining, such as acting out Amy March in Little Women: “Rodrigo, Rodrigo, Save me, save me … Aaaaaaaaaaah“

• Wear soapy sponges strapped to feet and sing “Old Man River” (the long version) while skating around in the kitchen.

• Make an assembly line between the sink and the cabinets with several children passing off the dish to the others. Be sure your cabinets are bolted firmly because they make a real mess when they fall off the wall.

5. Last Minute Madness. 

Yell and scream and get anxious because company will be there in 20 minutes and the house is a WRECK! 

• At that point, there may be, of necessity, some Coverup going on, but as long as the house looks reasonable when the guests arrive, it will have served its purpose.

• The kids will become anxious too, but why should you be alone in your anxiety?

4. Throw Away Everything Still on the Floor. Throwing away stuff gives you a good feeling inside, especially if it’s not your own. 

• Sweep up a dustpan full of floor items. 

• If the children know it’s all going in the trash but they see a favorite doll or toy, they can rescue it, but only if they immediately put it away. Then the remaining items, such as yesterday’s fish sticks, can be safely deposited in the trash.

• This can be used in bedrooms, but use a trash bag to collect everything, since most of their belongings won’t fit on a dustpan. It’s okay to collect the children’s homework and even text books, as long as they see you doing it. Their teacher will never believe them if they say, “Mom threw away my homework.” They just won’t.

3. Tromp On It. Wear heavy duty boots and come through the living room without watching where you are walking. 

• When enough of your child’s belongings have been muddied by your boot tread or broken under the sheer weight of you, they will absolutely run to pick them up whenever they see you coming. 

• As my mother always used to say, “Anything on the floor gets stepped on.” That usually included children. It is generally not a good idea to throw away your children, nor to break their legs with your boots.

2. Move Down a Space. This is a table management idea based on Alice in Wonderland. It works when you don’t want to do the dishes, but you have a small family and a large table. 

• It saves time to just move down to the next group of place settings like the Mad Hatter and the March Hare. 

• It also teaches your children the classics.

1. Hose it Off. If it gets really, really bad… hose it off. 

• This idea was a brainstorm of my husband’s. I was pregnant that year and overcome with all the dirty dishes, which had become not one or two sinks worth, but three or four large piles on every square inch of available counter space. I was depressed, but I knew if I put off the dishes any longer… there would be another meal, and even more dishes to do. Moreover, there were hardly any dishes left in the cabinets to eat the next meal, and the piles were covered with ants. My reaction to the mountains? Go take a nap. This is a safe and effective method for a pregnant woman.

• Meanwhile Eric, while I was relaxing, enlisted the aid of all the slaves. They transported all the piles to the front yard, donned bathing suits, and hosed off all the dishes in front of God and all the neighbors. Although in some cases the dishes weren’t properly stowed, and maybe they weren’t as sanitary as they could have been, they were at least mostly clean. And the kids had a fun time too.

Ah, I perceive that you are wondering if any of this is really serious. Here’s where I get serious finally.

If you are the mom of a passel of Jesus’ little lambs, you must not despair over the condition of your house. I’ve seen versions of this sign all my life, including at our house (trailer), growing up:

This says “Proof” because you should buy this sign from the artist at Etsy, RhodesArtCreations. You’ll need one!

If you care about those kids like no one else ever could, you are surely doing a good job at what you do. There’s no way your house can be spic and span right now. Your mother-in-law’s house may be much nicer and neater, but she doesn’t have her grandkids living with her.

Besides doing a good job, this is also a “good work.” Never be persuaded that if you didn’t have to watch the kids all day, you could do great things for the Kingdom of God. Nay, young mother, the King has given you a very special task. You are an undershepherd under The Good Shepherd. Feed His little lambs and do it for the Kingdom. You will be rewarded. The children are far more important than the chores.

One more thing. A Focus on the Family broadcast a long time ago about “Messies” told me that if you live with family members who are not clean freaks, you can save your sanity by picking out one small corner of the house and keeping up with it, that if you persist in straightening it if it gets messy, people will finally learn to respect your sacred place and let you own it. That must have been my spice rack. I honestly can’t think of any other place that I pampered like that. Yes, I alphabetized them and ordered them according to height. And to this day, I still have my sanity, though some may believe that is debatable.

You will get through this. It does get easier. I commend you and Jesus does. 

Carry on!

Dear Father, you see Your children laboring in the field with the little ones. Encourage their spirits and help them realize that the upside-down peanut butter and jelly sandwich is not the end of the world -- but the real end of the world is actually drawing closer. Help these wonderful moms to make a big difference in the lives of their children while there’s still time to do it.

In Jesus’ Name we pray, Amen