After some of my kids got married, they told me straight up that they weren’t going to raise their kids the way I did. They were going to be more compassionate with their children, they would never raise their voice, and they would always fervently listen to them. At first, my reaction was to be skeptical, and then I began to have a failure complex because there was this general agreement among the siblings that I was a child abuser. I began to question my methods and wonder, were they right? Was I just a mean and nasty old Simon LeGree after all?
The years passed, and then, last weekend, I finally had a conversation with one of them, who told me about one of those meaningless kid arguments her children had been having. I asked, “Now do you understand why I adopted a policy of putting a clean rag in the mouths of bickering children when you guys were young?”
“YES!” she cried. “I totally get it now!” She also confessed to fully grasping the concept, that in the words of my own mother, is expressed like this:
“Either you stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about!”
I am no Dr. Dobson, nor Doctor Anybody, for that matter. My only claim to fame is that Eric and I raised eight kids, and they all turned out really well.
What does that mean? For as many high fives and kudos as I may receive from this accomplishment, there would be just as many instances of our children saying, “Yeah, but Mom, we turned out well because we wanted to turn out well!”
Can you imagine meeting the Lord in Heaven someday, and having Him look at you with awe and say, “You turned out really well! Where’s your mother? I’ve got to shake her hand!” Credit to whom credit is due -- but I do hope that I was able to help inspire the desire.
A long time ago, when I had more time to sew and much less money, I used to lead an effort to make baby quilts for new mothers, mostly with our church family. There was usually a theme, and people contributed blocks that embodied the theme in some way. These were cherished because people had put their heart into their little square. When they were assembled, the quilt was a labor of love for the new mom. One of the themes was “Advice.” I remember “Let sleeping babies lie,” and “Sleep when baby sleeps.” The rest of the ideas have faded in my memory, but perhaps the quilt still lives on.
Now that I am on the other side of raising a family, and I have time to reflect upon it, here are my top five nuggets of advice. Keep in mind, some of these I didn’t do as well as others.
1. You are not raising children. You are raising adults.
The ultimate goal is not to create an overgrown child. (Think Baby Huey). It is, rather, to teach someone how to be an adult, with mature thoughts, conversations, habits, and aspirations. It is better to introduce “grownup” vocabulary as you go, when a more descriptive word is needed for clarity. But always explain what it means.
You should not expect your children to have meaningful adult conversations about abstract concepts when they are three. Remember, you are raising adults. But they are not adults yet. That means, they cannot be your close confidantes, or give you parenting advice. What child would ever tell you after seriously considering the matter:
“Oh yes, Mother. After careful consideration, I would say that a good hard spanking is warranted here.”
Or, well, he might do that if it was concerning a younger brother.
2. Never make idle threats.
An example of this is: “If you don’t stop doing that, I will throw you out the window!” You must be willing, if one of your kids calls your bluff, to open the window and carry out the threat. Make sure there is something soft to catch their fall. Never make that threat if you live in a high rise apartment!
But don’t make hyperbolic threats that the children just laugh at because they know you don’t mean it. For instance –
“If you do that again, I will take away your allowance for the next ten years.”
My mother used to say, “If you do that, I will beat you within an inch of your life.” That was a little overblown, I think, but it sounded more threatening, I suppose, than “I will spank you.” Sometimes I seriously thought my mom was a “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde” character. But I took her seriously – she did her message across.
Once when our children were under the care of a teenage babysitter, Lisa sat sideways across a child’s rocker and broke the poor thing. The teenager gasped and shook her head. “Oh Lisa! Your mom’s gonna KILL you when she gets back!”
Lisa wasn’t used to hyperbole, so she felt the weight of the death threat and hid herself under the bed, lest we should get home and execute her. It was a tough couple of hours. Emily met us at the door in a frenzy, begging us not to kill her sister.
You must be truthful, even when you are all worked up over something your child has done. “Just wait till your DAD comes home!!” should work for a while, if you are at a loss for words.
3. Look your child in the eye when you tell them about Jesus so they will see and understand how important He is. Jesus is no fairy tale.
If you really don’t believe in “all that Sunday School stuff,” your child will have nothing on which to anchor her soul. But if you do believe it, nothing should be more important. Speak of Jesus very often. We had a sign in our house, always visible, about Jesus’ presence:
(Note: If you see any food spots, remember, this was in the dining room during our kids’ childhood.)
There was no school subject more important than teaching our children the Bible, so it was always first on our agenda. I didn’t necessarily use the same words that were in my Bible story book, but I instinctively used words I knew my children could grasp, gave them deeper background, applied the story to our daily life, and personally challenged them to spiritual growth and development.
The Bible is God’s Word, and it feeds the spirit. There is nothing more satisfying than seeing a very small man quoting applicable Scripture in a life situation. That doesn’t happen much in our society today.
God is real. God is personal. Jesus came, and He’s coming back soon. When you say those words, you’d better believe them. Your children will know if you don’t.
4. Laugh and have fun with your children.
There is only today. Make memories! Be spontaneous and enjoy what God has given you while they are still young. My mom was like that -- which is why I thought of her as “Dr. Jekyll” -- big mood swings! She had great fun planning trips across the country or up to the mountains.
Get down on the floor while you still can, and play on their level. My dad did that. I loved it when he played with us! He also gave us rides on his scooter and built us a go-kart to race around an old unused flight line.
Let your kids fix your hair or make a beautiful crown of wildflowers for you. Accept the gift and wear it with pride! It is a labor of love.
5. Finally, for those moms who are utterly embarrassed about the messy house, just keep in mind, it will get better.
Our kids always asked us, “Hey, why did you wait till we left home before you got:
New furniture
New carpet
New dining room table
New curtains”
The answer usually had to do with wanting to make sure there was no chance of a kid vomiting or their diaper leaking on the new additions. So the threadbare 20-year-old carpet stayed, and now only the dog throws up on the new one.
We now have the situation where we have no notorious clutterers living with us, so since we don’t usually have to go and rectify the situation, we also don’t dust and sweep as often as we should. Unless there’s a party here, we don’t have half-filled water bottles everywhere anymore. But we also don’t have the strong young people, who can bring a case of 36 water bottles into the house from the car either. The Scripture (as always!) is true:
“Where no oxen are, the trough is clean; But much increase comes by the strength of an ox.”
~Proverbs 14:4
There will be an end to the constant clutter, and the house will become quiet. You can redecorate the house then. But you’ll be thrilled to have the grandkids come over and you won’t mind it too much if they’re a little messy.
Embrace the mess! Someday you might even miss it!
“Our Heavenly Father, who shows us how to raise a family by dealing with us, your children, individually with tough love, we know that Your Word is true, and we take you very seriously. Help us to represent You accurately so that our children will also relate to You as their Heavenly Father.
In Jesus Name,
Amen”
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